I have long considered golfers a bunch of lazy so-and-sos whose greatest feats are 1) not spilling their lattes when they get out of the electric cart and 2) thwacking a tiny, spring-loaded ball across a giant lawn that has already been mowed for them by a Mexican.
If that passes for “sport,” then we set a dangerously low bar for all those other sporty types like triathletes and hockey players and rodeo cowboys and wakeboarders who sweat and grunt and turn an ankle once in a while. Would you have respected Michael Jordan as much if, having just sunk a basket at the final buzzer, he had perspired so little that he could skip the shower and stroll right to the clubhouse for a bourbon? I mean really.
I recently tried golf for the first time, and after just one round I discovered how to make it the rough-and-tumble adventure that sport ought to be. Follow these instructions and you’ll have plenty of stories to swap with your mountain-biking, bass-fishing, elk-hunting, ultramarathon-running, cow-tipping, midget-throwing buddies over a pitcher of Coors Light.
1. Par? Forget about it! The “conventional wisdom” of golf asserts that he who hits the ball the fewest times wins. What kind of rule is that? If you’re looking for a sporty kind of workout, the work ought to be done by you, not the ball. No one ever burned off a carne asada burrito by shooting a hole in one.
The more times you hit the ball, the more opportunities you have to walk, put down your golf bag, swing, send a divot of turf flying, curse, swing again, curse again, pick up your bag, and walk the five yards to your ball’s new position.
All that exertion is great for your heart. However, it might be unpopular with the party of golfers behind you, who will call you names and throw things. Ignore them. Remember, this is your workout and they’re just living in it.
2. Take the route less traveled by. There’s a reason that the poet Robert Frost wandered in the woods and not down a fairway. The woods are so much more interesting.
Golfers spend vast sums of money on swinging lessons and titanium drivers in order to make their game as predictable as possible, which could be summed up as “sending the ball down the fairway and to the hole by the shortest possible line.” To which I say: Booooo-ring.
Imagine that after a round of golf you head to a bar to meet your friends, who are grizzled and dirty from a few days in the woods and have an elk strapped to the hood of their GMC Yukon.
When you tell them about the perfect thwock your ball made as you birdied on the 14th hole, they will not clap you on the back and buy you a round. Rather, they will guffaw and demand that you buy them a round, and when they have spent all your money and left you passed out at the bar, they will steal your golf cart and stuff an elk eyeball into your drink holder.
If you want a good bar-worthy story, the last thing you want to do is stay on the fairway. Get comfortable with the bushes, the tall grass, and especially the stands of poison oak way off on the hillside. Hit the ball across other golfers’ fairways. When you get to a sand pit, really wallow in there, like a pig, if a pig wallowed in sand and carried a metal stick.
Note: bring a few extra balls.
3. Dress the part. Have you ever seen a pro football player at spring training going through drills wearing Dockers, two-tone leather shoes and a dumb little microfiber jacket? Of course not. That is because these are not the clothes one uses to exercise.
When you go on your next golf trip, consider wearing something more suitable to exercise, such as Converse high-tops or military fatigues or one of those reflective vests that make power-walkers look so cool. I go for the “Tony Hawk meets Lance Armstrong” look – plastic elbow guards and knee guards and those stretchy black pants that make the derriere look just smashing. Besides, it’s smart to wear a helmet; those little balls can come out of nowhere.
With these simple rules, you might be able to save your money on a gym membership and instead spend it on green fees, or rather, one green fee, as golf is just a leeeeetle more expensive than other sports.
When you limp back to the clubhouse, covered in mud and welts and grass clippings and with that big smile on your face, you may find the door locked. You might see that all the golfers inside are brandishing their putters as they cower behind a line of nervous Mexican busboys.
Remember it’s just because they’re jealous. Don’t take it personally. They just wish they could have a golf workout that’s half as exciting as yours.
nice !