Come Again

Everything was going so well up until the moment of the eruption. We’d had a happy, playtime kind of day with our friends Russ & Sunny and their two kids, and now we’re assembled in the living room to see them off, so great to see you, let’s do it again soon. Dubsie sits innocently on my arm. Without warning she throws up all over my shirt, pants and shoes, and leaves me surrounded by a puddle.

Whoa, I say. Wow, Sunny says.

A pleasant parenting moment has swerved into a disgusting one, the kind of moment that people always fret about before having children, but after you’ve been vomited on a few times it’s no big thing. A washing machine will scrub away everything but the memories. It’s more awkward than anything else, owing to the company, and hardly even that, since Russ and Sunny have two kids, and in a moment we’re all chuckling in a knowing kind of way. I’ve been there Dave, Russ says, and shakes his head as some liquid drips off my elbow. Been there.

Dubsie surveys our guests with the serenity of someone who has already forgotten that she’s emptied the contents of her stomach onto her father. She vomits without pain, anguish or remorse. Like yawning but with regurgitated food.

Mummy comes to the rescue. Here, give her to me, she says. I gingerly pass Dubsie off across my vomit moat, and we resume our goodbyes. Then Dubsie throws up again, all over Mummy, copiously, until Mummy is soaked like me and surrounded by a puddle.

So there we are. Two hosts, saying farewell to our guests, drenched in toxic waste. If I could have seen the expression on our faces. Russ and Sunny are attempting to look sympathetic while also being doubled over with laughter.

Don’t mind if we don’t see you out, I say, and gesture with one radioactive hand. We’ll just stay here and, uh, clean up.


1 comment to Come Again

  • Jay Linderman

    Maybe you should stop feeding whatever you fed Dubsie that made her puke up “radioactive” and “toxic” vomit??

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